Say What?

First and Foremost the important stuff:

1. This lovely website that I was emailed about in December called cleanflicksdvds is going out of business so if anybody wanted edited movies for cheap than order in the next 3 days. Movies that I want include Death Sentence, 28 Days Later, the Patriot, and 3:20 to Yuma.
2. I got my first smoothie at the Nordstroms Cafe. It was the tropical pomegranate smoothie. I passed the sign and decided I just had to try it. I think I will be going back often and I recommend it.
3. Hollister has a lot of their winter stuff on sale and I got the most comfortable shirt there for $10.
4. I was educated in two games this weekend thanks to my friends Brooke and Scott. The first is Blokus. I like strategy games that are not longer than a half hour so it was perfect. The second game was Pass the Pigs. Go to Pass the Pigs to play. I can't wait to become the master of these two games.

So though many wont care here is what I did this weekend:

Friday night I had a dress rehearsal for a fashion show in relief society. I hope all girls come out for enrichment on the 7th as a lot of work has been put into this activity. Me and Jon and Laura went to Walmart after and got me a lock for the gym since its about time I use the locker room and than got frutistas at Taco Bell. Yummyyyy!!! We tried first to get slurpees but 7ll has been letting me down in that area. Saturday I went to the eye doctor again, went to the gym (reminder to me: never go after swim class. To many old ladies in locker room), went grocery shopping, went to the mall to return a sweater and ended up spending most of the money I got back, hung with Jacqui and introduced Stomp the Yard to her,made enchiladas and then me and Jon hung with Brook and Scott (see # 4 in list above). It was a long, busy, but very fun Saturday. Sunday was church and relaxing with Jon and his family.

Finally from this weekend is the strange dream I had last night. I should just start a dream journal but since I haven't yet here it goes:

I live in my house with a guy who I assume i'm dating or married to and a little boy who I don't believe was my boy but was my significant others little boy. We get this phone call warning us that the enemy were going to come and get us. And when I say enemy I mean an opposing group, perhaps political, that was made of one man and a bunch of evil monkey like animals. So I tell the other two that we need to pack and leave. I go into my room and start packing stuff. I stuff one bag of clothes and I spend some time trying to figure out what else to take and decide to take a bag with my electronics like my camera and phone. I then look out the window and see these evil kangaroos from another group start to kill and kidnap people. Well the little boy had finished packing and is on the computer which is by my room. I turn around to talk to him and there is one of the kangaroos there. I start to fight with it and we end up killing it with a shovel or gun, I don't remember which. I am then waiting for everyone to finish what they need to do before we leave so I go to the restroom. I purposefully go to the restroom that has windows so I can watch outside. All of a sudden a group of people that are being used to round up others comes into the house and pass the bathroom which is basically surrounded by glass so they see me going to the bathroom. They proceed to pass so I can finish my business.

Well then, luckily to because I am pretty sure we were about to be captured, the dream changes to where I am with my husband (same guy as in the last scene but I have no idea who he is in real life)in bed and all of a sudden this old lady comes out of the bathroom and starts saying creepy things. My husband freaks and leaves the room. And then another person appears and also is very creepy. Finally they leave and my husband comes back. He then proceeds to apologize for freaking out and says that hes been seeing dead people. So yes those creepy people were ghosts.

And that's all I can remember. Strange huh?

The Crazy Dream I Had Last Night

So I was in the middle of sleeping when I had the most craziest dream that interrupted my sleep and freaked the day lights out of me.

I was outside and all of a sudden an alligator appears. I try and get away but for some reason I cant walk or run. So I start to crawl away but as you can image, I knew I was not going fast enough. Well I get to a neighbors back yard that is a hill and there is a boy and a girl there. I don't remember who they are but the boy tries to get me to stand so I can run but it doesn't work so I crawl with his help as fast as I can to this structure. It has stairs to a landing and then more stairs to another landing. I get as high as possible and think I'm safe. Then all of a sudden there are more and more alligators and they are on the structure. And one literally about snaps my face off, I can still picture it, and I scream "dear heavenly father please save me" and then the boy or should I say young man yells "By the power of the Almighty God stop these alligators." And they all disappear and we are safe again.

So while the dream freaked me out it got me thinking. Would I actually think to call on God at a time like that? Would I have the faith the young man had? I hope I can. But hope is never enough. I will have to continually work to get to the point where I can have such faith. And if you think of those alligators as the unsafe and evil things in the world, I hope I'm not continually close enough to them that I could get eaten alive in a spiritual sense. And that is yet another reason to continually work to get my testimony stronger and myself farther and farther away from the boarders between that which is of God and that which is not.

SINCE LAST WEEK...

Below is a list of significant things that have occurred

1. I spent almost 400$ on my eyes. Ouch! Stupid Eyes! I am so blind! This is significant for reasons other than me being blind. I am also going broke.
2. I got Jon to join the Gym. This is significant because I can go to the gym more often, or so I think.
3. My Dad is going to be gone another 2 weeks. This is significant b/c I sleep better when he is gone as his office is right beside my room.
4. My coworker accused me of sleeping with the boss. This is significant b/c he has been gone out of the country for 3 months so its pretty much impossible. This is also significant because it has confirmed my sneaking suspicion that she is psycho.
5. Jon ordered a bunch of edited movies so now we can watch some of the best movies out there. This is significant because we are running out of movies to watch.
6. I was suckered into a fashion show. This is significant because do I look like I belong in a fashion show. Uh NO!!!
7. I got a free Forbes magazine in the mail. This is significant because I want to learn how the Rich people do it. I am willing to share the secrets too for only 5 $. Ive gotta make up for the cost of my blindness somehow.

The Dentist

So i recently got on insurance again. YAY! Well I needed to go the dentist and the doctor for check ups. I had a cavity found last time that was never taken care of do to being kicked of my parents insurance and I was scared that it would need to be fixed before April, when the part of my insurance that will cover that kicks in. Well I learned a few things at the dentist today. First, the gums on the upper right part of my mouth where it is really sensitive are receading a bit. This can be fixed with a simple application of some type of mouth wash or something. I have to buy Phos-flur and twice a week tip a q-tip in it and then hold the q-tip to that part of my gums. Apprently it should heal. Secondly I can wait tell April. Yay! So no spending lots of money on my teath. Last of all I need to floss more. I have an ongoing fight with flossing. I used to be really bad at it and I have continually tried to get better and will continue to try. And the dentist says if I do I will keep my good teach for a lot longer as I get older. The bone in my mouth looks healthy still though so thats a good sign. But the lovely lady said the word floss like a million times so I know from here on out I will have no problem remembering to floss.

Another lesson I learned a few years ago. Brush in a circle. So simple yet I never knew it. I dont know if I brush in a circle. I try when I remember but when I dont remember I dont know if Ido it. Hopefully its a yes.

Well tomorrow I go the eye doctor. Which is where my medical coverage completely fails me. I may have to spend upwards to 350 dollars to get an exam and new glasses b/c I can't wear my glasses much anymore. Ugh. Oh well. Wish me luck.

"Defiance"

So about the time word of the upcoming movie Defiance got out I randomly rented a book at the library. Its title is " The Bielski Brothers : The True Story of Three Men Who Defied the Nazis, Saved 1,200 Jews and Built a Village in the Forest" by Peter Duffy. Within a day of reading it I realized that it had to be the story that Defiance was based after. As this really intrigued me, I read the book as fast as is possible with a boyfriend and job. Today when I read "Defiance offers vision of strength amid horror" I confirmed my suspension.

The story is about 3 brothers, each just a young man, who not only witness the death of their parents and of a few of their siblings, but they went on to save thousands of Jews by hiding them in the woods. From a review on Facebook (sorry ill find a better source next time) it states "They fought back, waging a guerrilla war of wits and cunning against both the Nazis and the pro-Nazi sympathizers." They did this all from a camp that they build, and rebuilt many times, in the woods. "As more and more Jews arrived each day, a robust community began to emerge, a "Jerusalem in the woods." They slept in camouflaged dugouts built into the ground. Lovers met, were married, and conceived children. The community boasted a synagogue, a bathhouse, a theater, and cobblers so skilled that Russian officers would wait in line to have their boots reshod." They did not leave the woods for two and half years, when the Germans were on retreat.

Sadly, the movie is ratred "R" for violence as can be expected so while many would prefer to watch the movie, rather then read the book, the book is worth reading for those who dont watch "R" movies. The book leads the reader through every emotion including grief, terror, joy, and anticipation. You start to trust and respect the 3 brothers for what they do, even if its causiously. You feel the typical feeling of disgust and revulsion with the Germans and constantly pray that the Russians are better. And the whole time you are praying the events could never happen again and that if they do you could be as strong as these brothers. Hopefully Liev Schreiber is right when he says, "But I also think that it is in our DNA as human beings ... that courage exists, that passion exists, that tenacity to love exists."

Perhaps that why I dream (quite literraly) about being a resistance worker. Perhaps I pray and hope that I can have that courage and that passion. Perhaps its a hope that if the time comes I will stand up and I help not only myself but thousands of others if needs be.

An old blog posting titled "What is Love"

After telling my coworker a story about my ex boyfriend (maybe ill tell the story later) he said, "just out of curiosity, what do you mean when you do tell someone you love them? or rather what does the word "love" mean to you when it comes to saying "I love you." I said i was not exactly sure but im sure i will know when i feel it. But i know its an emotional closeness that i can not share with most people. My fav. quote about love is one from the Bible. It says:

"Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end."

Another is by Roy Croft. It says:

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."

The last one is one that my coworker sent me forever ago and i found it on my phone today. It states:

"Every instance of heartbreaks can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want."

And im pretty sure no one can exactly explain to me what love is because its so personal and abstract. I think love is something special. Its something that should not be played aruond with. But i also know i can have different degrees of love for different people. I can love my fellow human beings. I can love my friends. But that love i feel for the someone special will be bigger and better. Love is something i have felt to some degree but that i hope to feel to the extreme some day. For now all i want is for no one to ever tell me they love me unless they mean it.

February 25:

I am newly into this band called nightwish. Its wierd bc i usually do not like rock bands like this but something about their music gets me. Anyways they have this song called While Your Lips are still Red. The lyrics go like this:
Sweet little words made for silence
Not talk
Young heart for love
Not heartache
Dark hair for catching the wind
Not to veil the sight of a cold world

Kiss while your lips are still red
While he's still silent
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled
hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool
Drown into eyes while they're still blind
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn

First day of love never comes back
A passionate hour´s never are wasted wrong
The violin, the poet´s hand
Every thawing heart plays your theme with care

Kiss while your lips are still red
While he's still silent
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled
hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool
Drown into eyes while they're still blind
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn

Apprently the title of the song refers to the color of lips as one dies. It basically says to Kiss while you still can. Kind of morbid but interesting. Im to tired to think about this anymore, but perhaps ill have some interesting thought about this later.

Note on Jan 15th 2009 : perhaps ill update this now that i have more experience in that field.

An old blog posting I am moving over titled "cleaning out the closet"

I always heard of girls going threw the ritual break up actions. Burning pictures, putting everything from the ex boyfriend in a shoe box and burring it in the closet, and perhaps going as far as making a voodoo doll of the person. Well for me the most i have ever done was to cleanse the facebook of the person (and that was of a sort of friend after some drama). Well i went through my ritual purging again but this time of my ex boyfriend. I even for once changed my facebook status to single. Well today, a few weeks after the breakup, cut up the one printed picture i have of us, broke the cheap snow globe, and will be giving away a book he gave me. Part me of says i'm only doing it because i do not need the stuff lying around. Its just junk now. But deep down in side i know i'm expanding my ritual. I hope its only because it was my longest relationship ever and i deserve to expand the ritual for this particular boy and instance. If not, i just hope i'm not going off the deep end.

I enjoyed the days when I could pretend I was a lot less emotional than other girls. I really can't pretend that any longer. I am just as emotional as other girls, especially when I see things that are really sad or really happy. And perhaps the above actions are just an extension of that.

He thought he was in love with me. I think I knew it was a joke the whole time. It was a wish, a want, but never an actual truth. I only hope that when I do run into real love, I will know it and I will feel it in every fiber of my being.

Now I need to get out there again. I need to date more. My roommate said she just read in the Miracle of Forgiveness how its a sin to not actively pursue marriage. She says i get a break sense i just got out of a bad relationship but I know that breaks over and now I just need to get out there and meet guys. And thats sometimes the hardest part. Someday, sometime, I will find the one. For now, beyond putting myself out there (though I'm clueless how to do that), I am not sure what i'm suppose to be doing except for making myself the best person I can be. and aw crap. I might be so screwed but hopefully not.

And a Happy Early Valentines day on that note.

Love is strong yet delicate.
It can be broken.
To truly love is to understand this.
To be in love is to respect this.

- Stephen Packer -

I started a "blog" a little while back but have been horrible in maintaining it. I aim to do better. And i aim to keep that mostly about politics and start this blog mostly about my life and myself.

So to start off I am going to fill out some lame quizzes so that you can get to know me.

A- Attached or single: attached
B- Best Friends: Amanda, Liz, Joce, Logan,Anna
C- Cake or Pie: depends upon the cake and pie
D- Day of choice: Friday
E- Essential item: lotion or floss or gum
F- Favorite color: purple right now
G- Gummy bears or worms: gummy bears
H- Hometown: sterling
I- Indulgences: sorbet, chocolate chip cookies
J- January or July: July
K- Kids: someday
L- Life is not complete without: friends
M - Marriage Date: who knows
N- Number of Siblings: 2 brothers, 1 sister
O- Oranges or apples: oranges
P- Phobias or fears: snakes, pain of death
Q- Quotes:too many so im not choosing any to put here
R- Reason to smile: everything can potentially be a reason to smile
S- Season: fall
T- Tag three friends: um not right now
U- Unknown fact about me: sometimes i have random urges to do dumb things like drive down the windy road with my eyes shut.
V - Very favorite store: Marshalls or Ross
W- Worst habit: staying up too late
X- X-ray or Ultrasound: ultrasound...haha
Y- Your favorite food: Enchiladas, Korean bbq, Green bean Casserole
Z- Zodiac:Sagittarius