Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Thoughts on Independence in Marriage

When the hubby and I first got married, one of the biggest issues of our marriage that we had to work on was how much we could depend on the other person to fulfill our need(s) at any given time. For example, there were times that I would get upset because the hubby did not want to spend the evening with me watching a movie because he wanted to play video games with his brother. I was bored and I was expecting him to keep me from being bored. Eventually, I realized that I needed to learn to be less dependent on him and since then I have done just that. 

We've still had a few problems here and there but for the most part we have learned to balance each others needs in this area of our marriage. Now that the hubby is living in another state for work related reasons, I am so glad that I worked on this. I have had to be even more independent from him and though I don't always do it with a positive attitude, it's not overly emotional or anything. Also, despite the distance, our relationship is more fulfilling and we have drawn closer together. When we are back in the same state, I do believe that we will be more productive adults and we will be able to have our needs met without burdening each other, while at the same time, continuing to draw closer to each other. 

I bring this up because of a post I read on Simple Marriage entitled  "Is Your Marriage Too Close?" 
"When couples co-create a co-dependent relationship in which they strive to complete each other, they kill any chance of having any kind of evolving, passionate, fulfilling relationship.
A mature adult is someone who takes responsibility for getting their needs met." 
Reading that quote, some people might assume that the author, Dr. Corey Allan, is giving them permission to do whatever it takes for them to get their needs met. As in, if your sex needs aren't been met, feel free to have sex with some other person who pays more attention to you and makes you feel sexy. But I don't think that is it. I believe that he is telling us that there are areas and needs in our lives that can be worked on and fulfilled outside of our marriage. If we can learn to live independent lives from each other, those needs that should only be met in marriage will more easily be met and we will feel more fulfilled. 
 "Great marriages are the result of two mature, grown up people – both of whom have full, satisfying lives – cooperating with each other to get their needs met.
It is this kind of commitment to living a full life that helps maintain the growth in a relationship that is so important for attraction, passion, energy and great sex."
 I recommend reading the full post.

If you are not in a relationship or are not planning to get married anytime soon, it doesn't mean that marriage advice wouldn't be useful. I've known girls that can't seem to be happy unless they are in a relationship and each relationship ends up in disaster because the balancing act between needs never gets addressed and someone ends up the loser in the relationship. If these girls learned to separate their needs and self-esteem from their need to be in a relationship with a guy, things would be much easier for them. This problem can be worked on in marriage, as it has been worked on in my marriage, but it could also be addressed beforehand. Thus I believe that marriage advice is not just for married people, as weird as that may sound. 

Any thoughts?

P.S. Sorry if the font and spacing seem a bit off. I am having major trouble with Blogger tonight and have no patience left for it.  

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