Friday, July 26, 2013

It's All Unfathomable

I hate how the hubbies head is cut off but our little boy just looks too cute in this picture. 

Before I got married, the hubby and I agreed that we would hold off on children for at least a year.  While we both happily agreed to this arrangement, I would say it was heavily my doing.  Sure I knew I wanted kids one day but with them came the unfathomable, things I just couldn't wrap my head around, the unknown.  Plus, I wanted time with the hubby first.  Then, as fate would have it, we were put into nursery at church. They say newlyweds are put into nursery to make them want children.  What a ridiculous notion.  Lets be honest's really because they are the only ones that can be tricked into agreeing to do it.  And were tricked for two years.  TWO years of hardship...but also two years of super duper cute kids.  And before the first year was over, the ridiculous and impossible had happened.  I wanted children sooner.  It may have helped that I happened to have the cutest nephew ever living near me but either way,  I began to yearn for an adorable child of my own.  But as per the agreement, we waited until the end of our first year of marriage.  

The end came and went, as did a few more years.  No we didn't struggle with infertility issues but we had our own set of struggles and maybe one day I will open up about that, but for now lets just say that those struggles got in the way of our dream to finally start a family.  During this time life treated us well and we had a lot of fun together as a couple, but something was always missing, at least for me.  My hubby would probably say that I am a hard one to please, and adding that to the fact that I am a bit lazy by nature, I was never satisfied with what I was up to professionally.  My jobs in no way fulfilled me.  I wanted, needed, something more.  Then we moved to California and I stopped working.  I won't lie, I loved not working.  It drastically decreased my stress levels and I was probably much easier to be around.  But again, while I was enjoying life, I wasn't satisfied. I needed something more.  

Come the beginning of October I had had enough and was ready to nip this baby making problem in the butt and began planning and researching and tracking my periods.  The main problem we then faced was the coming up holidays and the planned traveling.  It was going to be impossible for me to get pregnant before the end of the year.  I was annoyed but we had waited for years and I knew we could wait longer.  Little did I know I was already pregnant. 

The tiredness hit me hard right at the beginning of October.  I never wanted to do anything because I was just so tired.  I actually began tracking a few other weird things going on with my body just on the off chance I would eventually need to go to the doctors.  I thought it was possible I had some deficiency or something.  I had a trip planned to Utah that month and by the time it rolled around I didn't really want to go.  I was just too tired.  At the back of my mind I kind of wondered if I was pregnant but I didn't give it much credence as I was sure the possibility of me being pregnant was slim to none.  It wasn't until I arrived in Utah that I really began to seriously consider the possibility.  Not only did the tiredness seem to get worse, to the point where I didn't do half of what I had planned to do, but I also began to feel like I needed to eat allll the dang time.  By the time I got home I was almost sure I was pregnant but at the same time my mind couldn't fathom it and I put off taking a test for about a week.  Finally my hubby forced me to buy a test and it confirmed what we already knew.   But I still couldn't wrap my mind around it and ended up scheduling to get my blood tested. 

What made it real was the utter misery that was November and December.  My sister came to visit and I was concerned about having the energy to sight see.  The first half of the week was hard but I was surviving and even having fun.  Then I got sick.  I went to bed one night not feeling well and woke up early that morning with a horrific cough.  One of those coughs that make you throw up.  It was a continuous cycle for the next few weeks and I worried that it would go on for the next 9 months and wondered how I would survived.  I could barely get out of bed, couldn't sleep well, and couldn't eat much.  And just maybe I told the hubby I probably would never want to be pregnant ever again.  

While I knew I wanted this baby, I couldn't fathom the extent of that want and how much love I had already developed.  After finally going to the doctors and after just one dose of medicine, I was feeling significantly better, physically and mentally.  Then, during one of my last major bouts of coughing, I burst a blood vessel.  Basically, I started bleeding like crazy and though I was almost sure I wasn't having a miscarriage based on the color of the blood, I couldn't figure out what else it could be and I was in full out panic mode.  Thankfully my OB/GYN agreed to see me even though he was technically suppose to be closing, thankfully I felt good enough to drive there, and thankfully he quickly figured out what had happened and put my mind at ease.  I was put on bed rest, and it took a while to heal, but my baby was in no real danger.  That day, I think both the hubby and I realized how much we wanted, needed, and loved this baby of ours.   

My second and third trimester were much easier, despite the belly growing and the inability to get comfortable those last few months.  Sometimes I could almost forget I was pregnant.  I certainly still couldn't imagine being a parent. 

Then the baby came.  There I was in the hospitable, already having had some majorly painful contractions, and all I could think about was the fact that HOLY SMOKES! I AM PREGNANT! (you would think that I would have gotten over it by then) and HOLY SMOKES! WE ARE HAVING A KID!.  Could it really be so?  

I was instantly in love with my child and instantly more in love with my husband.  It really was a beautiful moment.  More so than I could have ever imagined.  But me, a mother?  

It has been one month and sometimes I still look over at my son and think "Holy crap I have a kid.  How did I become a mother?"  It's not much different then those "Holy smokes! I am married!" moments.  I was still having those moments three years into my marriage.  Apparently, I am incapable of wrapping my mind around certain things. 

But now, despite the hardships that come with being a parent, I know why some people advice couples to have children early on in their marriage.  Parenthood truly is a blessing and a miracle.  My husband's coworker told him that certain things that seemed so important before, like traveling, would all of a sudden become less important.  And while I will always want to and enjoy traveling, he was right.  Priorities, needs, and wants really do change. 

Parenthood can take a major leap of faith.  But it is a leap well worth it.  I have no idea if I will find myself in my calling as a mother.  I have no idea where life will take me or even how many kids I will end up having.  But I do know that I am more in love right now that I ever thought possible.  And I have faith that things will only continue to get better.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to try to fathom the unfathomable.  Maybe by the time my kid is having his own kids, I will begin to fathom the fact that I am his mother. 

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