Thursday, January 15, 2009

An old blog posting I am moving over titled "cleaning out the closet"

I always heard of girls going threw the ritual break up actions. Burning pictures, putting everything from the ex boyfriend in a shoe box and burring it in the closet, and perhaps going as far as making a voodoo doll of the person. Well for me the most i have ever done was to cleanse the facebook of the person (and that was of a sort of friend after some drama). Well i went through my ritual purging again but this time of my ex boyfriend. I even for once changed my facebook status to single. Well today, a few weeks after the breakup, cut up the one printed picture i have of us, broke the cheap snow globe, and will be giving away a book he gave me. Part me of says i'm only doing it because i do not need the stuff lying around. Its just junk now. But deep down in side i know i'm expanding my ritual. I hope its only because it was my longest relationship ever and i deserve to expand the ritual for this particular boy and instance. If not, i just hope i'm not going off the deep end.

I enjoyed the days when I could pretend I was a lot less emotional than other girls. I really can't pretend that any longer. I am just as emotional as other girls, especially when I see things that are really sad or really happy. And perhaps the above actions are just an extension of that.

He thought he was in love with me. I think I knew it was a joke the whole time. It was a wish, a want, but never an actual truth. I only hope that when I do run into real love, I will know it and I will feel it in every fiber of my being.

Now I need to get out there again. I need to date more. My roommate said she just read in the Miracle of Forgiveness how its a sin to not actively pursue marriage. She says i get a break sense i just got out of a bad relationship but I know that breaks over and now I just need to get out there and meet guys. And thats sometimes the hardest part. Someday, sometime, I will find the one. For now, beyond putting myself out there (though I'm clueless how to do that), I am not sure what i'm suppose to be doing except for making myself the best person I can be. and aw crap. I might be so screwed but hopefully not.

And a Happy Early Valentines day on that note.

Love is strong yet delicate.
It can be broken.
To truly love is to understand this.
To be in love is to respect this.

- Stephen Packer -

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