I have gained and lost many friends throughout the year. It's a part of life I guess. But your friendship is one I can not stop thinking about nor do I take the loss easily. Our loss of friendship is probably one of the few I really regret.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. Recall a memory that involves you. Or check to see what you are up to by stalking your facebook. Too bad your not addicted to updating your facebook. Stalking is hard but I continue because I can't stop wondering what you are up to. What cool thing you are doing without me. What fun you are having with your husband. What your job is like. Because I am not longer in the position to hear about your life, to know your gossip, to hear your fears, and to bear your burdens with you.
I should have worked harder to save our friendship. But first it was anger that got in the way. Then the inability to forgive. Then the inability to forget. Then there were the bad friendships I formed that semester. For distancing yourself from me at that point, I do no hold against you.
I was not me, or perhaps I was me and I am just a better person now. I cared about you a lot but I never knew how to show it. I should have fought hard for our friendship but I didn't know how to and just blamed you instead. I guess I really didn't deserve it then nor do I really deserve a second chance.
I've pondered it. I've cried over it. I've talked with my best friend about it. You are missed. Our friendship is missed. But I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I have the ability, willpower, or strength to take the first step. Nor do I know if I could handle being shot down.
I hope that one day God will give me the strength that I need to call you up. To help me humble myself enough to take a chance. But I hope he never gives me the strength to forget and let go.